The Reason
by 0negoodscare
Summary: Jade has loved Cat from the very first moment she met her but struggles to tell her. Rating because of future chapters to come.
1. Eyes On You

Everything about her was perfect. Her long velvety locks that cascaded her shoulders, her big chocolate brown eyes that you couldn't help but get lost into, her lips that shaped into a perfect kiss, the sweetness in her voice, her somewhat amusing stories about her wackjob brother that you would always pretend to hate but inside you were hiding a chuckle and maybe even a small smile...

I shouldn't be having these feelings, they were wrong. But somehow since the very first day I met her, these thoughts never left my mind. I've tried so hard for years to conceal these feelings, but eachday just seems to become harder and harder.

I'm known for being a gank but it's hard to be horrible to someone so innocent. Every time I'd try my hardest to stay bitchy around her, she always seemed to crack me. I'd always wonder if she knew it or if anyone around her even noticed. I started going out with Beck to try and conceal these feelings but nothing felt right, I wasn't even attracted to him.

Everything became much worse when Vega entered the picture. The very first day she tried to steal Beck and she was slowly working on Cat. My Cat.

I tried so hard to hide my jealousy but it seemed like everytime I saw that talentless wazzbag something inside of me wanted to rip her head off or push her in front of a bus.

I don't know how I could possibly have feelings for someone like Cat. She's the complete opposite of me, I should hate her but she's the only one who's ever stuck by my side despite how hard I try to push her away.

After Beck and I had split, it seemed like me and Cat grew much closer. Too close.

* * *

As soon as I walked away from Vega's and drove my way home, she was there. Whenever something bad happened she was always right there. I loved knowing she was always there but I also hated it. It made me love her even more.

"Yo, Jade!" the familiar voice broke me out of my trance.

"What?" I viciously snapped, looking over at Andre.

It was lunch and instead of the usual group it was just me, Andre and Cat. Sikowitz was having Robbie, his stupid puppet and everyone stay back in the classroom, for something idiotic I assume.

"You okay there?" Andre gave me this look of concern.

"Yeah, whatever," I rolled my eyes and looked around awkwardly.

Since when did lunch become this awkward? I took a quick glance at Cat who was giggling quietly to herself. I just hoped she didn't notice me staring at her for a whole damn fifteen minutes. I shook off all the thoughts in my head.

"I'm going," I said while standing up and grabbing my bag, slinging it over my shoulder.

"Wh-where you goin'?" Andre seemed way to interested in my life right at this moment and it was annoying the hell out of me.

"Nowhere!" I shouted as I began walking quickly to the door.

I could hear Cat's giggles as I began walking towards the school. That girl was always so cheerful, I never understood what made her so damn happy all the time.

"Jadey! Wait, can I come?" Cat shouted, I could hear her tiny little footsteps coming closer towards me.

I forced a vicious growl, stopping in my tracks to turn around and face my pristine little friend. "No, Cat," I said huskily and turned to begin walking again.

"Please! I want to have fun too!" Her voice was so cheery and happy that I wanted to scream but I couldn't, it's Cat. She's the only one who can be peppy and still be adorable to me.

I forced a scowl upon my face, "I'm not going anywhere to have fun, Cat." I rolled my eyes, opening the doors to HA and walking inside. The halls seemed to be empty, considering everyone was either in class or at lunch.

"Where are you going?" she kept bugging me.

It's like she knew what she was doing to me. She knew I'd let her get away with things that I normally wouldn't allow anyone to do. I let her get away with murder.

Walking over to my locker, I could still hear her repeating her question as if I were deaf. Quickly I put in my combination and whipped the locker door open, shoving my books inside before giving Cat a quick glare which shut her up quickly.

"Don't worry where I'm going, babygirl," I closed my locker and slung my bag over my shoulder once more before I started heading for the main doors.

Cat suddenly realized what I was doing and I quickly felt her weak little arms hugging around me.

"Cat! Off!" I shouted trying to pry her off of me.

"No, Jade you can't cut." Her big brown eyes looked up at me with a little pout on her face.

She broke me.

I couldn't help but frown, "Cat...I hate it when you do that." I finally broke free from her grip and looked at her, holding her shoulders firmly. "Listen, if I get detention it doesn't matter. I just want to go home, okay?" I gave her a small smile and patted her head gently as if she were a pet.

"But.." her voice sounded so sad.

"But what?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Are you okay?"

She was always so concerned for me and that was one of the many things I loved about the little redhead.

I nodded slowly with a smile, "Yeah...I'm fine. See ya later, babygirl."


	2. Tell Me Your Secrets

Mascara ran down my pale cheeks violently like a waterfall. I wasn't able to stop these tears, nor did I understand why these thoughts always brought me to this state.

It was like Cat was my obsession. She consumed my every thought.

Even when I was with Beck, she was all I would think about. When his lips pressed against mine, I'd pretend they were Cat's. For a split second, I'd trick myself into believing it were her but when I felt my arms wrap around his muscular body I was suddenly pulled back into reality.

I'd finally come to the conclusion that I was a lesbian, I liked girls and I loved Cat. I just didn't have the strength to admit it and I certainly wasn't going to confess my feelings. If I did, I knew that'd be the end of the friendship we had. That killed me.

Without Cat, I'm nothing. I feel worthless in this world but whenever Cat's around I feel like I belong. She's the only one who's been there to pick up all the pieces, I just wish she could fill in the one last missing piece.

* * *

_Buzz, Buzz._

The vibration of my pear phone on my nightstand made me turn over to see the screen light up as it displayed a picture of Cat. I wiped my tears away and took a deep breath before reading her text.

_'You okay, Jadey? xo' _I read the message with a slight smile, it was cute how she always cared for me.

_'Yeah, Cat. I'm fine.' _I sent the message. It was brief but that's how I had to be. It's how I forced myself to be.

Within what seemed like only seconds Cat replied.

_'Are you sure? Want to have a sleepover? I found cupcake flavored bibble, I'll let you try it, but don't tell anyone else...I don't like sharing. :3' _ I read the message, letting out a small chuckle. I liked having no one around me, I didn't have to force myself to seem annoyed by her random adorable nature.

_'Um, I'll pass on the bibble...and the sleepover.' _I read the message over and over before taking a deep breath and finally sending it. I hated how mean I had to be to her but I couldn't have a sleepover with her. She'd sense I was crying like she senses everything, then she'd beg me to tell her why until I finally give in.

_'But..um, okay. :('_ Great, I fucked up and made her upset like always.

_'Fine..I'll have your stupid little sleepover.' _I sent the text, knowing she'd ignore my word choice and just focus on the fact that I gave into her like always.

I set my phone back down on the table, before walking into the bathroom. I could see the mascara stains and the puffy redness under my eyes from crying so much. Taking a deep breath, I pulled my hair into a ponytail and turned on the cold water. I let the water run for a few moments before I began to wash my face.

This whole sleepover thing was a terrible idea.

* * *

Pulling my hair out of its ponytail, I slipped the band around my wrist as I walked back into my room. Looking over at the table, I could see my phone had a dim light. I checked my phone to see it was another text from Cat. I knew I wasn't the fastest person in the world but I said I'd have the sleepover, I was heading over in a minute.

_'I'll come over to your place, see you soon xo' _My eyes widened as I read the text. Checking the sending time, I could see it was sent only fifteen minutes ago which meant Cat had to be here soon.

"Shit!" I muttered, placing my phone back on the table to here a faint voice from a distance. I suddenly stood frozen for a minute.

"Jade." It was Cat. I could tell but she was in my house and I didn't let her in.

"What are you doing here?" I snapped as I turned to face her.

My viciousness didn't seem to have an affect on her, she was still happier than ever.

Letting out a small giggle, she looked up at me, "Sleepover, silly!"

I rolled my eyes, of course she was here for the sleepover I wasn't stupid. "I mean what the hell are you doing in my house? How did you get in here?"

She let another giggle escape her lips as she sauntered over and sat comfortably on my bed. "Your door was unlocked."

"So you decided to just let yourself in?" I raised my pierced brow at her.

As I watched her, she just began to giggle and nod. I never understood how she stayed so happy all the time but I accepted it. I never really minded it.

I forced out a small groan as I plopped myself on the bed next to her. "Well.." I trailed off, letting out a breath. "You're here, so what do you want to do?" I pretended not to care about any of the suggestions she would make as I examined my nails.

Everything was quiet, too quiet. Had I scared her?

I looked up to see her big brown eyes staring at me, which caused a force scowl. "What are you staring at me for?" I grumbled.

"Are you okay?" She spoke, her voice was soft. She inched slightly closer, looking directly into my eyes.

I let out a breath, "I told you before, I'm fine." I shifted a bit.

She was examining my every move, scanning me up and down. Her eyes suddenly fell on mine again as a look of sadness rolled over her. "You're not..."

It amazed me how well she knew me sometimes. Everyone else always found it impossible to sense whatever I was feeling but not Cat. I slowly looked away, biting down on my bottom lip, unable to look into her eyes for so long. I could sense her puppy dog like face coming, along with her little whiny baby voice that I'd always pretend to hate. Truth is, the only reason I truly hated it was because it always cracked me.

"Jadey," there was the little baby like whine that I expected and I knew if I looked back I'd see her little pout. I could feel her begin to shake my arm gently as she noticed I wasn't going to look. She knew I was trying my hardest not to give in. "Please!" suddenly her voice changed. It wasn't that whiny baby voice anymore. It wasn't stern, either. It was a voice of genuine sadness.

I looked over as I felt her arm drop off mine, she wasn't even looking at me anymore. "Cat.." my voice was soft this time. I always seemed to hurt her and I hated myself for this. She was always so sweet and caring and I always treated her like she meant nothing to me. Deep down, she meant more to me than anyone could ever know. "Cat, please.." I felt the tears beginning to well up in my eyes, seeing her genuinely upset and knowing it was my fault. I just wanted her to look at me, to see her big brown eyes. I wanted to see that smile that lit up her face. I wanted to hear her angel like voice, cheerful again. "Look at me, please."

The only movement she made was the slow shake of her head. This killed me.

A tear trickled down my cheek as I let out a shaky breath. "Cat...please. You don't understand," I spoke through my tears, my voice still soft.

"I do understand!" she jumped off the bed as she gave me a furious look.

I had never expected this from her, I never thought such a innocent and fragile thing like Cat had the ability to be this angry. I didn't even know the emotion existed inside of her. Clearly, I was shocked and lost for words as I looked up at her.

My silence only caused her to become more furious as she bit down hard on her teeth.

"You don't.." the words came out, a whisper. I wasn't capable of raising my voice, the tears that continued to pour out of me weren't really helping me either.

"I do!" I could tell she wanted to say more but she ended up stopping. She released the tension from her jaw, looking at me as if she were disappointed. "I thought you were my best friend.." her voice was soft, all of a sudden. Looking into her eyes, I could see tears beginning to form, while I began to cry harder.

"I am your best friend," I forced the words out through my tears before she could continue.

She shook her head, "No. You say you are but you hate me. I know you hate me."

I gasped. How could she say this? She was the one person in the world I could never hate. Why would I let her do things to me that I didn't allow anyone else to do? Why would I even bother to spend time with her out of school? Why would I take time to listen to her problems or go to her to vent about mine? She was killing me with her words. At this point, I didn't even want to be alive. "I don't hate you!" I cried out.

"Then why won't you tell me what's wrong?" her voice became much louder, again as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Just because I won't tell you...it doesn't mean I hate you."

"But you always do this..it's like you never want to tell me anything. You either hate me or don't trust me."

I reached my hand out for hers and surprisingly, she placed her hand in mine. Gently I pulled her over to me, she hesitantly sat beside me, covering her face as more tears began to trickle down her soft perfectly tan skin. "Kitty...don't cry," I pulled her in for a hug, biting my lip hard hoping she didn't hear the pet name I had given her. The pressure on my bottom lip, seemed to melt away my tears so I could focus on Cat. "I could never hate you, you're the only person I trust," I whispered softly into her ear.

"Then, tell me," she said softly, pulling away to look at me.

I let out a breath, "It's too complicated Cat."

A tiny whine escaped her lips as she began standing up from the bed.

I quickly pulled her back down and turned her to look at me gently. "Listen, I'm sorry for hurting you..I always take advantage of you because you're always so happy and I don't think that what I'm saying will affect you. I was wrong, okay? You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you. That's why I can't tell you, Cat."

Her tears stopped as she looked at me in confusion.

The look on her face kind of cheered me up a bit but this wasn't a time to smile or laugh, no matter how adorable she looked.

"You won't lose me..we made a promise that we could tell each other anything.."

"I know, Cat but-"

"Just tell me, nothing could ever ruin our friendship. I promise," she cut me off as she wiped her tears and gave me a comforting smile.

I let out a breath and closed my eyes for a moment, trying to prepare myself for any reaction I would receive after confessing everything. Opening my eyes, I could see her staring right at me with a smile. "I-I.." I struggled to get my words out, this was the most difficult thing I've ever had to say and I had to say it just right. "I'm in love with you," the words finally reached my lips.

Her eyes widened, in complete shocked.

I wanted to say more but before I knew it she was gone. Out the door, with no goodbye or anything.

I was right all along, this secret had ruined our friendship. I should have never spoke to her the very first day I laid my eyes on her.

Things would be different if I hadn't.

Thoughts of her beauty wouldn't forever cloud my mind. Or, overwhelming guilt of persistently being mean to her. I'd no longer have a weakness...

I wouldn't be sitting here crying my eyes out over someone who obviously didn't care about me enough to stay. In the end they all leave...even those who you thought would always stay by your side.

Those who made you feel like your life was worth living will quickly make you feel you wish you were never alive at all.


	3. Somebody That I Use To Know

Tears rolled down my cheeks endlessly, like a waterfall. I couldn't stop them, nor did I bother to try. I honestly don't feel the need for trying anymore because the one thing that motivated me to carry on was now out of my life. It's hard to believe that I'd ever cry over anything or anyone because of this facade I've been putting on. I've worked so hard on building this wall so no one could come in and hurt me. I was determined to make the wall unbreakable so no one could tear it down and I thought I was doing an amazing job until Cat came into the picture.

The sun shined brightly through my windows, the light nearly burning my eyes. I hadn't slept because of that perky little redhead I use to call my best friend. It's hard to even understand how our friendship could be demolished in just one night. I want to be pissed off at her. I should be pissed off at her. For some reason I can't because I feel like this is all my fault. I shouldn't have these feelings for her, they were wrong.

Looking over at my alarm clock and reading the time, I let out a breath. Everyone would be arriving at school by now, heading to their first period class. I should be rushing to get ready and try to make it there on time but I don't have the energy to do anything. I want to die, I already feel dead.

I was tired as hell, but I couldn't tell if that's from the lack of sleep or the exhaustion of crying all night. The thoughts of Cat are still racking my brain, I can never shake the thought of her and I hate myself for it. I look over to my nightstand, grabbing my phone, going through every text she's ever sent me. The adorable ones, I always refused to delete. I don't understand why I'm putting myself through more torture, I hate myself for it. With each text I read, I grow more of a hatred for myself.

Why the fuck did I tell Cat how I felt? Why the hell didn't I just make something up? I lifted my arm up to throw my phone across the room until I felt it vibrate in my hand. My eyes suddenly widened, as I checked it quickly hoping it would be a message from Cat. I don't know why she'd text me but maybe she felt bad, maybe she wanted to talk.

It wasn't Cat, though. It was a number I'd never seen before. I let out a frustrated groan before I forced myself to open and read the message.

_'Hey Jade, it's Tori..anyway Cat gave me your number. Where are you? Everyone is worried.' _

I rolled my eyes at the last part. Everyone worried about me? That's enough to make anyone laugh. And why the hell didn't Cat just text me, if she was so worried like the rest of them supposedly are?

"Fuck this!" I screamed as the tears seemed to stream down my face, yet again as I threw my phone across the room. I could hear a loud thud as it hit the wall and shattered onto the floor.

This is all my fault. I should know better not to get my hopes up. I should know better than to let anyone in. I should know better than to think I'm talented and actually worth something. My parents were right all along. I'm nothing. I'm worthless. And I don't deserve to live.

I reached for my scissors inside my boot, examining them closely as I clasped them in my hand. I pulled up my sleeve and opened the sharp object, dragging the blade across my arm like I've done many times before, only this time deeper. I wanted this to be the last time I would harm myself, the last time I would see the blood oozing from my skin.

Tears flowed more heavily down my cheeks as I quickly stood up, running over to the bathroom and looking through the medicine cabinet. Popping any pills I could find and before I knew it I was unconcious. Unable to respond to anyone. Completely lifeless.


End file.
